What should I do???

Here's what I want: better job security (contracts of 6months or more) decent salary of ultimately 45k or over like-minded people- culturally aware, educated, maybe a bit bohemian possibility of travel to feel at the forefront of something - developing exciting projects pension and normal benefits eg 25 days hol and flexi time, maternity leave like normal people get environmental awareness/ change/ and sustainability at heart of job maybe one day teaching /facilitating in the area I've learned Hours which allow me at least some nights a week to have a life / do creative evening classes One day be able to take the skills abroad to live elsewhere??? (with husband and children obviously) would i like to be my own boss / run my own business ? ************************************************************************************ Here's what I'm interested in researching: landscape architecture - what's a career in it involve, why am I attract - bigger picture of sustainable urban planning, unites architecture with nature, project based yet permananent job? out and about? teaching as a career. What would teach and what type school? How would I survive financially while studying? What would I earn? What would life be life? How dynamic? programme/development managing for sustainable trusts / ngos - eg Ashden Awards. be an eco-property developer make a radio programme about teenage bereavement (but ultimately I dont think radio will provide the answers as presumably same problems as tv. (unless I get a lifelong job in BBC, unlikely) If I stay in TV production: I don't feel I have the confidence or motivation to be a director. I feel too old. It's a young person's industry. I imagine myself with children and this career cannot be done with children in my opinion. I have seen the way women over 40 are treated. I need to be a biggish/medium fish in a smaller pond. I would always be at the beck and call of others, not being able to plan out my year (holidays etc) in advance. I'd be an underling, working till god knows what time of night - (and if I didnt, i wouldnt be employed at all) never earning any more than a crappy weekly rate, with no incentive to earn more money as the bigwigs are making it all off MY back. It is well acknowledged that the industry is flooded with young people willing to undercut. That conditions are bad. that if you want to make money you have to start your own production company, build it up then sell it. I am not likely to do that. I know I'm a jack of all trades, perhaps master of none, but I feel very claustrophic if I feel trapped. Why do I feel trapped? Is it really trapped, or is it scared becuase it's difficult? Do i just think I should escape because something else might be easier, because this is how i respond to obstacles? Maybe partially, but also partially I realise i don't LOVE tv, in fact I prefer Radio as a medium nowadays to explore subjects in enough depth. Here's what (I think) I want to do: (personal projects) (NOT in order of want) research and record my mum's friends in audio interviews research female teenage bereavement and get in touch with contributors - construct a story which weaves in my own experiences research Zizzie's roots too research design and write a cookery book on street foods of the world plan permaculture gardens for the community to run, set up a website for it.. re-learn Spanish OR Italian more art and self-expression - silver clay jewellery making, art foundation, painting and sculpture write for my BLOG.  Family tree and memorials, House refurbs before and after, reviews on vintage shops, green roofs and environmental stuff transition town projects: green roof night ? Developing iphone apps : want to do proper augmented reality guidebooks for journeys/ cities based on themes. Educational, entertaining, green, etc Green cities guide : either as iphone app or podcast - how to make money, get funding develop / research it. Edit THE green movement encyclopedia: documenting the green movement of the 20th and 21st century, a Who's Who of significant books, people, and organisations, along with timeline of events and essays on various topics eg   history locating changes attitudes to our environment within the context of the history of humanity!. Also a further section design and make my garden design kit and poster for garden designers (actually maybe not feeling this today) Further things taking my attention: Green party asking me to be a local counsellor Transition town website and running the groups Here's what I'm good at / transferable skills: doing up houses, property investment creative and arty, good head for web design and phtography people person - charm, persuasion etc organising and project management (although no formal project management skills) lateral thinking good knowledge of history and art and culture and travel Green movement knowledge and connections archive producer knowledge having ideas (but not necessarily following through) including entrepreneurial cooking and food art teacher? facilitating art? art therapy? Practical things to do : get a life coach build my personal website (stalling because not sure what I want it to say professionally) paint kitchen units (And get rid of old) paint tv chest and change knobs get dining room table (no money at the mo) finish garden planting and revise for next year transition town green roof event? If I won the lottery: Buy and do up ec0 house - britain or italy. (or both) - want to understand the process and then somehow devise a way to make easier for others or become an eco-property developer. Start a teenage bereavement charity (actually there is one - investigate) Start a charity for Rome's gypsy children (Get VERY fit and healthy and have a personal trainer every day) devote more time to community activities - green awareness stuff eg permaculture gardens. set up a really funky community centre in an architecturally amazing building, with organic cafe, trestle tables, library, allotment/ growing lessons, yoga, etc. learn an instrument sing more language and art classes daily! Do an art foundation / degree a professional cookery course - eg Pru Leith's